I have the easiest job in the world. I mostly sit at a desk, pretend I'm not checking facebook on the computers and think about one of several relatively simple things for hours at a time: What I could potentially be eating later (this is of utmost importance), a school project I continue to put off, where I should travel next, how much money I'll need to do such a thing, and in a perfect world, who I would love to have waiting for me when I get home.
It's funny how much I rely on and constantly analyze my relationships with others. It's not that I'm constantly seeking approval (any more than everyone else, at least). It's just that I very truly believe to a certain extent that you are who your friends are. My mother instilled in me very early on in life that the people you surround yourself with really do reflect the kind of person that you are. Everyone has positive and negative things to bring to the table, but in the end, the people you spend the most time with shape your personality.
Yeah, I'm sure everyone has realized this at some point or another, but it bothers me that essentially we're all just using each other. Whether we mean to or not. I find that I spend a lot of time with people I know I can learn from or meet more "interesting" people through. But what am I bringing to the table for them?
It makes one feel oddly disposable and selfish. But the same can be said for seeking out those who you can see need to learn something that you have to teach.
A conundrum.
On the other hand. There is something extremely sad about sitting in your empty house late at night after a stupidly boring work shift and eating Lean Cuisine. Maybe its the plastic wrappers or the constant reminder that I am a terrible cook.
It would be nice to have someone cook for me.
friend.
ReplyDeleteyou have so much to bring to the table. so much, that we need two tables when we're together so we can eat the food that i'll make for you. maybe even three or four-heck, i'll just buy all of nebraska furniture mart. deal friend?
what's interesting about intereactions between friends and how we shape each other is sometimes what we don't see. what we sometimes want so desperately at a moments notice to see how we might influence them, but what we won't really ever see the effects of our actions until maybe later down the road. the things you said. the lessons you instilled. the selfless acts you gave. the seeds you might have planted to be grown and thought of later in life when they need them. though, you know, i think that's what's so cool about how the world works. it's a mystery as to what's next, what has happened, what is happening now-we somtimes really don't know. yeah it's frustrating at times and it's hard to be patient-but it's a process to wait for. the only thing we can do now as friends-as humans-as loving creatures, is just that-love until our little hearts burst and then keep on loving even after that. love is sometimes a hard thing-espcially for those times when you have no desire to love someone or when you would rather someone love you that would also make you dinner upon returing home after a looooong day to snuggle up and watch a movie with... but beautiful dear, let me just tell you-you are one of the most loving human beings that i have ever met in my whole life. you love people no matter who they are or where they come from and even when you sometimes don't want to-you love them until your little heart feels like it can't be filled back up again, but i promise you my dear that someday it will be so full that you can't even handle it-it will be.love you girl.
These observations, and the feelings around them, are very wise. I feel like I'm just getting hip to such things, at least in a conscious way, and appreciate stumbling upon this dialogue; it not only reminds me of such things, but also encourages me to explore them in different and further ways. While not entirely true, the statement "you are who your friends are" carries a lot of weight. To some extent, we are all constrained and compelled in voice and action by our social constructions, such that what we can and can't say and do is different among different kinds of situations (e.g., family, friends, work, school, men, women, old, young, etc.). In this way, I can see why choosing one's friends wisely is an interesting concern. In another way, it's interesting to consider that this choosing is itself not without influence by way of our existing conditions. Our mothers are always with us, are they not? On the one hand, I'm not advocating selfishness, but selfishness is still a human thing, so, in another way, I'm also not not advocating it either. My peace with this idea comes from remembering (when I'm lucky) that those I associate with, and this includes everybody, are capable of wonderful things. I imagine my friends and myself together as a collection of weak links where the only way to make our individual selves better is to make our collective selves better. That is, if we are a reflection of our friends then it probably pays out well to figure out how to make them best they can be in the way they want to be made better.
ReplyDeleteI really like Erica's seed analogy. Our relationships and our effects on one another are like plants which we grow and share with each other over time. In this way, we impact each other and often in wonderful ways, whether we know it or not. It also reminds me of the importance of the bonds we make with one another. If we don't take care to periodically nurture our friendships, or, worse, we stamp them out, then what becomes of all the work we put in to them and what is the nature of the produce we are left with?
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